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Why You Need a Cult
August 28, 2021
It's time to begin your new life ...
Upon first hearing about the cult, you may be a little wary. Why would you want to join a cult? How can the cult improve my life? What arcane secrets does the cult hold? These are all questions that this article will answer.
First and foremost, the Cult is a gathering. It's all about coming together with wonderful friends, and creating a new, better society! It's a society that comes together to celebrate life, and live the way that humans were truly meant to.
The Cult is your ticket to freedom...
The world is filled with a billions of tiny people that all want to push their agenda. Everyone including politicians, religious organizations, corporations, all the way down your nosy neighbors knows the "right" way for you to live your life. And they all have one thing in common...
They are full of shit.
Every aspect of society wants to stuff you into some kind of box, but only YOU can make the choices that lead you live your best life. But in order to make these choices, you have to surround yourself with a community that's willing to accept you for who you are. That's what the Cult is all about.
Would your friends and family still accept you if they knew that you spent your weekends wearing nothing but a goat mask and summoning demons? Well, your new Cult family would!
It's time to drop the facade and begin your new, secret life in the Cult today!
When I was a little boy, my mother always told me that if she ever caught me using an Ouija Board that she would "bend me over backwards, and spank me on the bare penis!" so I was always afraid to use them. Thats why I was surprised to learn that so many Christian mothers across the country were flocking to Amazon to buy this new spirit board for their teens to reconnect them with their faith. It's called "The Holy Spirit Board" and unlike other spirit boards that are designed to contact ghosts and demons, this one is only designed to connect you with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. But does it really work? We decided to ask Mary, 34, a single mother, OnlyFans model, and an avid user of the "Holy Spirit Board". "I've been a Christian my whole life, so prayer wasn't anything new to me", she recalls, "but it wasn't until I got the Holy Spirit Board that the messages of Christ really started to make sense to me. I used to spend my nights high on cocaine and neglecting my family. One night, my dealer suggested I try the Holy Spirit Board, and it turned my whole life around! Now I spend nights in with my kids, and we talk to Jesus using the Holy Spirit Board. And the best part is, I didn't have to stop using cocaine!" While Mary may have seen the light, some aren't so enthusiastic about this new spirit board. "Ya, one time this bitch started telling me that the Holy Spirit Board didn't really work", she tells us, "but just like it says on the box: Anyone who says the Holy Spirit Board doesn't work is both a liar AND a sinner in the eyes of our Lord, Amen". The Holy Spirit Board is on sale now at Amazon.com
When searching for ways to connect with Gaia, the Mother Earth that cares for all of those who live on the planet and provides all that is needed for successful life, it can be most effective to find your own path to connection. Things that are connected to this spirit include the elements, fire, water, air and earth, along with people, animals, and plants. Everything that lives gets it energy from the earth, and it is necessary to maintain that connection to keep the chakras in balance. A mother is in a particularly close connection to this spirit as they each mother their own children. In order to balance chakras, it is necessary to absorb the energy that will feed each chakra and keep them activated and in harmony. This involves each of the four elements of the earth and releasing the energy that is not productive in aiding that balance, and some crystals are ideal for providing a connection to the earth that will activate the chakras they are most closely connected to. Another option is to use herbs, which can be combined together and with another of the sources of the earth.
The Cult has a deep, rich history dating back hundreds of years. One of the oldest and most studied Cult relics that we still hold today is known as the Divining Rod. An ancient tool used in alchemy and occult seances for over 200 years. It’s mythical powers to this day are truly unmeasurable, but to truly understand it’s powers, we have to take a journey back in time to it’s creator, and one of the Cult’s founders, Isaac Newton. Ah yes, Sir Isaac Newton. One of the world’s most important mathematicians and physicists. It’s well known that Newton was an alchemist and studied the divine works, although few know of his greatest discovery and invention: the Divining Rod. The Divining Rod was a magical wooden staff, measuring about half a meter long, with a bulbed end. It was believed that this tool was used in occult ceremonies and practices. Some have even speculated that the Divining Rod actually was the mythical “philosopher’s stone”. Because so much of Newton’s writings were allegorical and secretive in nature, little is know about it’s actual use. In 1936, the Divining Rod along with a short manuscript of instructions for its use was offered up for sale at Sotheby’s, where it was then purchased by the then-leader of the Cult. The short manuscript included the following excerpt: “For need of a maiden I haven’t any, for the Divining Rod gives me pleasure o’ plenty. When I stand up and pull down my pants, I can pick up the Rod without using my hands!” To this day, nobody knows exactly what this mysterious riddle means, but the top Cult researchers continue to study this mysterious object in the hopes that one day, the Cult will unlock the rod’s divine and mysterious power.
Beginning your new life in the Cult might seem a little daunting at first, but the truth is that it's one of the best and most fun decisions that you will ever make. The best part about joining the Cult is that once you join, you become a part of the worldwide network of Cultsmen that are all working together to unlock the powers of the universe and become the supreme rulers of the earth. Using space age technology combined with the secrets of arcane magic, you too shall learn to reach your full potential, but it wont come so easy, or all at once. As a new Cultsman, you have much to learn on your journey to Culthood. It begins with studying the ancient texts under the guidance of a Smart Certified™ Diviner. The Cult is the sole possessor of ancient texts that will teach you how to unlock the secrets of the universe. You will learn the secrets of arcane magic and unlock the power of divination. You will be able to see deep into the past, and know the future. After intense practice, and learning The Way of the Cult™, more ancient secrets will be revealed to you, and you too shall move up the ranks and be on your way to becoming a Smart Certified™ Diviner. Why wait? Begin your journey, and Join Today!
Have you ever dreamed of owning a luxury place to live? Do you have what it takes to be a responsible condominium owner? Most people in America don't know what a condominium is - but now affordable opportunities are available even for those with bad credit, no credit, no problem! Yes, you can OWN your own condominium, in heaven, for a price you can afford today! It might be time for your home to get an upgrade. We have several features and add-ons in addition to our base condo unit, so you can customize your dream home. FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions Q: Why would I want a Premium Luxury Condo™ in heaven? A: Where else would you want to spend the rest of your afterlife, the welfare projects in heaven? Q: What services and amenities are included with my condo? A: Basic housekeeping and laundry service is included with all base units, in addition to our basic service private butlers can be hired for either special occasions or around the clock for a modest fee. We also have full concierge service for all condo owners and their guests. Private limo drivers and full spa treatment, complete with full-body masseuse service ;). For a complete list of amenities talk to our concierge anytime. Q: Do you have fractional ownership/timeshare condominiums? A: Yes. Several timeshare and fractional ownership opportunities are available for our investors. Talk to one of our friendly timeshare sales consultants for a consultation today! Q: Can I rent out my condo unit when I'm not using it? A: Yes. Speak with one of our leasing agents to learn more about moneymaking opportunities while you are away from your condo unit. Q: Do Tom Cruise, Brittany Spears, (Other Celebrities), own condo units in your development? A: For the safety and security of our customers, we unfortunately do not disclose ownership of your unit or other condominium ownership to anyone. Q: Can I purchase a condo after I get to Heaven? A: Unfortunately, no. You must reserve your primo spot in Heaven, before it's too late! Our vacancies are filling up quick and we already have multiple accepted offers for many of our more premium condominium units, order now! Q: Can I get insurance on my condo in Heaven? A: Yes! We offer condo insurance through State Farm! Limited time offer! Use the promo code: JOINTODAY and get an exclusive discount on condo insurance from State farm! Click here! To order your primo condo today, contact us HERE!
How to Pray: Some prayers are answered while others are not. You must pray correctly. Whether you pray to the One True God, some bullshit false God, or to Satan the Devil Himself, the rules must be followed. Christ taught us how to pray, to pray in secret - to build a shrine! (Matthew 6:5-8) Don't babble useless prayers at the casino and lose - pray to WIN! That's right, you can win fabulous prizes - and more! The God of money wants you to be ri¢h! Pray to Him and make it rain! Some scholars debate whether to pray to God directly or to pray in Jesus' name. Each and every one of them are heretics. There is only ONE way to pray that isn't gay. Pray to the Lord through Christ, and in the name of your Elected Representative. This is very important. The Lord's Kingdom is a Free Country® - One Nation under God, an indivisible nation OF His People, BY His People, and FOR His People. Yes friend, you have a representative in the Lord's Kingdom! When was the last time you wrote your Representative? Do you know who your Representative is? Unfortunately, in today's modern world of tyranny and evil, the selfish and greedy capitalists want to keep good people like you in the dark. They want to hide and obscure the Truth, and deprive you of your rights to reach out to your Government Representative! Your Representative is the politician you've seen the most ads for. The Lord wants you to be smart - gird your loins with the Truth! (Ephesians 6:14) Get informed from advertisements so that you can be smart and know the true Name of your Representative. For this freshman-level program we have developed a series of tips for you to get started with prayer and utilizing the proper & proven techniques to beg the Lord for alms. Ways to Amplify Prayer Pray to the Lord through Christ, and in the name of your elected representative. If you don't know who your elected representative is, it's the politician you've seen the most ads for. Use a prayer rug. Align your prayer rug with the Lord's sacred place. Build a Shrine - pray in secret. Make an offering with your prayer - make a donation too. Offer drugs and alcohol. Burn candles. Pray at the right time. Clutch artifacts in thy hand and concentrate. Remember to only pray to the One True God, false God's are not real and you will burn in Hell! If you want the cool stuff that God won't giveth, pray to Satan!
When I was a little boy, my mother always told me that if she ever caught me using an Ouija Board that she would "bend me over backwards, and spank me on the bare penis!" so I was always afraid to use them. Thats why I was surprised to learn that so many Christian mothers across the country were flocking to Amazon to buy this new spirit board for their teens to reconnect them with their faith. It's called "The Holy Spirit Board" and unlike other spirit boards that are designed to contact ghosts and demons, this one is only designed to connect you with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. But does it really work? We decided to ask Mary, 34, a single mother, OnlyFans model, and an avid user of the "Holy Spirit Board". "I've been a Christian my whole life, so prayer wasn't anything new to me", she recalls, "but it wasn't until I got the Holy Spirit Board that the messages of Christ really started to make sense to me. I used to spend my nights high on cocaine and neglecting my family. One night, my dealer suggested I try the Holy Spirit Board, and it turned my whole life around! Now I spend nights in with my kids, and we talk to Jesus using the Holy Spirit Board. And the best part is, I didn't have to stop using cocaine!" While Mary may have seen the light, some aren't so enthusiastic about this new spirit board. "Ya, one time this bitch started telling me that the Holy Spirit Board didn't really work", she tells us, "but just like it says on the box: Anyone who says the Holy Spirit Board doesn't work is both a liar AND a sinner in the eyes of our Lord, Amen". The Holy Spirit Board is on sale now at Amazon.com
When searching for ways to connect with Gaia, the Mother Earth that cares for all of those who live on the planet and provides all that is needed for successful life, it can be most effective to find your own path to connection. Things that are connected to this spirit include the elements, fire, water, air and earth, along with people, animals, and plants. Everything that lives gets it energy from the earth, and it is necessary to maintain that connection to keep the chakras in balance. A mother is in a particularly close connection to this spirit as they each mother their own children. In order to balance chakras, it is necessary to absorb the energy that will feed each chakra and keep them activated and in harmony. This involves each of the four elements of the earth and releasing the energy that is not productive in aiding that balance, and some crystals are ideal for providing a connection to the earth that will activate the chakras they are most closely connected to. Another option is to use herbs, which can be combined together and with another of the sources of the earth.
The Cult has a deep, rich history dating back hundreds of years. One of the oldest and most studied Cult relics that we still hold today is known as the Divining Rod. An ancient tool used in alchemy and occult seances for over 200 years. It’s mythical powers to this day are truly unmeasurable, but to truly understand it’s powers, we have to take a journey back in time to it’s creator, and one of the Cult’s founders, Isaac Newton. Ah yes, Sir Isaac Newton. One of the world’s most important mathematicians and physicists. It’s well known that Newton was an alchemist and studied the divine works, although few know of his greatest discovery and invention: the Divining Rod. The Divining Rod was a magical wooden staff, measuring about half a meter long, with a bulbed end. It was believed that this tool was used in occult ceremonies and practices. Some have even speculated that the Divining Rod actually was the mythical “philosopher’s stone”. Because so much of Newton’s writings were allegorical and secretive in nature, little is know about it’s actual use. In 1936, the Divining Rod along with a short manuscript of instructions for its use was offered up for sale at Sotheby’s, where it was then purchased by the then-leader of the Cult. The short manuscript included the following excerpt: “For need of a maiden I haven’t any, for the Divining Rod gives me pleasure o’ plenty. When I stand up and pull down my pants, I can pick up the Rod without using my hands!” To this day, nobody knows exactly what this mysterious riddle means, but the top Cult researchers continue to study this mysterious object in the hopes that one day, the Cult will unlock the rod’s divine and mysterious power.
Beginning your new life in the Cult might seem a little daunting at first, but the truth is that it's one of the best and most fun decisions that you will ever make. The best part about joining the Cult is that once you join, you become a part of the worldwide network of Cultsmen that are all working together to unlock the powers of the universe and become the supreme rulers of the earth. Using space age technology combined with the secrets of arcane magic, you too shall learn to reach your full potential, but it wont come so easy, or all at once. As a new Cultsman, you have much to learn on your journey to Culthood. It begins with studying the ancient texts under the guidance of a Smart Certified™ Diviner. The Cult is the sole possessor of ancient texts that will teach you how to unlock the secrets of the universe. You will learn the secrets of arcane magic and unlock the power of divination. You will be able to see deep into the past, and know the future. After intense practice, and learning The Way of the Cult™, more ancient secrets will be revealed to you, and you too shall move up the ranks and be on your way to becoming a Smart Certified™ Diviner. Why wait? Begin your journey, and Join Today!
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